Was I Bitten by a Funnel Web?

If you’ve just been bitten by a spider and you can manage to go online, find this website and have read this far, then no, you weren’t bitten by a funnel web spider. This is one of the many ways in which funnel web spiders are like Jack Bauer. If you were attacked and aren’t already in hospital, then you don’t need to ask the question because you’re dead.

If, on the offchance you HAVE been bitten by a funnel web spider and your friend, assuming you have one (who can read), is reading this site, then this is the world of pain you can expect:

  • It hurts like hell at the site of the bite (unlike wussy snake bites)
  • You then hurl your guts up and experience the pain that John Hurt’s character did in Alien, just before the creature burst through his chest, except in your abdomen
  • You will then start to spazz out when you realise that you can no longer breathe and all your muscles don’t work or have become numb
  • Fluids will start leaking from orifices you didn’t even know you had
  • You will sweat a river, and salivate like a rabid dog
  • Assuming your lungs are still working, you will cough like a bastard

If you were bitten in Australia in parts of the country where funnel web spiders are known to lurk, then the nearest hospital should have an anti-venom for what ails you. I would go there now if I were you.

You might stand a better chance if you apply a pressure dressing and immobilise the part of the body that was bitten before, or on the way to the hospital.

And no fair coaxing a spider to bite your pet so you can witness the above symptoms firsthand, even if the pet in question is a cat.